Ryan Donnelly's Blog

How Low Can You Go?

This last year I  turned away from the dark and deceitful world that was my drug addiction, but back then,well, I made Darth Vader look like a unicorn. 

My ex-girlfriend was interning at a magazine in NYC and I was a sloppy drug addict mess sleeping in her beautiful bedroom that she took such pride in decorating. She would be gone from 6:45 every morning, until 8 every night. These were the  perfect hours for my drug habit. Back then  I would mosey my way out of bed around noon, I mean why would I get up earlier than that?  If I got up any earlier, I would feel my withdrawal symptoms kick in that much sooner and that much more hardcore, so coma status was my only option.  Most mornings I would wake up already pissed off at the fact that I wasn’t dead. It only took seconds for me to realize that I had no money and no means of getting any. The easiest and most obvious solution for me would be to take from people I knew.  I mean doesn’t everyone think this way? No, obviously not, but this is where my addiction led me. This is what I had become.

I can remember going through Jess’ jewelery box, and just taking things, not even giving a second thought as to what they meant to her. And off I would go to the pawn shop.  While I was on my way there in her car, I can remember thinking to myself  and telling myself over and over again that this is what I needed to do, just one more day, just one more time and everything will be alright. I just needed my fix. That fix was all I could see, and all I could think about. After I pawned the jewelery and got my hands on some pills, I was a changed man, bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready for my next set of lies. Convincing myself that I had to do what I had just done, that it was worth it. Disgusting.

After I returned from my “errands” I would wait for Jess to get home from her 13 hour work day at her house with a mouthful of dip, three scratch off lottery tickets and a Met game to watch.  Attractive. I laid in bed watching the game, nodding  in and out when I started saying to myself, “What the hell  are you gonna do when Jess realizes that her jewelery is gone”.  Thats when the butterflies started to flow. They never stopped flowing. This was an every day occurrence. Every. Day.

Two days had gone by since I pawned her things, when I received the call. Jess was at work when she called me crying hysterically. She was frantically saying over and over again that she thinks someone stole her jewelry out of her purse at work, and going over possible scenerios, all the while blaming herself.  She couldn’t find the jewlery anywhere.   The truth as you now  know is that her jewelry, that she loved and wore almost every day, well,  it was in a pawn shop downtown. Most likley it was already melted down from something that meant everything to her, to a gold bar in the back of a dingy shop.

 I went along with it, numb to her feelings, I even went as far as to  stage her room to make it look like I had searched up and down for her missing jewelery. Flipped the bed over, moved furniture, and left it that way so when she returned home she could see my efforts.  It was amazing how low I had stooped.  Coward doesn’t even begin to explain the betrayal I cast on this girl who did/does nothing but love me.  I took advantage of her to feed my habit.  I was gross, useless, and ready to end my life.

When she got home that night she looked exhausted. She was always tired after working as much as she did, but tonight it was different, it was like she could see right through me, and I was hallow. I was nothingness next to her. I took a prized possession, and even then, even in the midst of knowing the severity of what I had done wrong, I was already thinking about how I would obtain my next fix. And the mad cycle continues…

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